Which path is the one for me?

Since I was around 7 months pregnant with Leah I have been fascinated by all things breastfeeding, cloth diapering, labor & birth, doula & midwife related thanks to an awesome group of ladies that shed A LOT of light on the topics for me. I spend a lot of my free time researching, browsing forums and websites, as well as networking with others that have a similar interest in everything birth-y as it's often put. I have piles upon piles of printed stories and articles, highlighted with questions scribbled and AHA! moments jotted down. I love when someone asks me for my help or opinion - because many of those women are just like I was not too long ago. Completely unaware of the many choices she has before her when it comes to raising her child.

In April I re-enrolled (more like re-activated) my studies at Penn Foster for Veterinary Technician certification. While I love animals and I enjoy learning about how to care for them, and would enjoy bettering an animals life, I don't feel as strongly about it as I do about being, say, a birth educator or a lactation consultant. I don't spend my free time reading about animal illnesses caused by alternative feeding methods, I don't look up the benefits of letting my dog sleep in my bed. I love animals, and I ensure I obtain all of the information I can to care for them correctly, but I wouldn't spend a rainy day reading books about them.

I've been kinda sorta looking for schools &/or programs that I could take while in Okinawa or after returning to the states. I found a few that are wonderful, and one was suggested to me by a lovely woman named Kayce that is a distance learning class that costs $400 for all of the books, study guides, CD's, etc. that I would use to study with. It looks, and sounds, perfect for lack of a better word.

The problem I'm running in to is we have a payment plan set up with Penn Foster to pay my $700 tuition for the semester I am currently enrolled in (over 1/2 way through). Christian completely understands how in love I am with everything motherhood and I know he would tell me to go for it if I mentioned to him I wanted to enroll in a few weeks/months/a year or two. But I feel guilty. I feel like if I don't stick with this vet tech program for the next 2 years like I originally expected to I just threw away that $700 and made myself look like an idiot.

When I originally enrolled in the program I was fueled by "well what do you expect to do when your kids are in school? You need an education, you need a job!" I like animals, let's do something with animals then. Vet tech certification is a lot cheaper and faster than trying to get my RN or become a teacher, right? Clearly I made that choice without thinking it through.

That's where this entry comes in.

I feel like this is something I'd love to do. As Cassie, my dear friend, has said the life of a doula/midwife is not glamorous and it's not always convenient. Babies are born when THEY want to be, you can't plan around that. As much as I think I'd enjoy being part of the birthing process I don't feel comfortable considering that line of work, at least not right now. Childbirth educator, however, I think would be amazingly fascinating and rewarding job. Same goes with becoming a lactation consultant. I love nursing and it broke my heart when Leah and I came to the point in our relationship where I could tell it was just stressful for her and she was no longer getting ALL of the benefits she deserved. Nursing for us wasn't just about saving money or convenience - it was a time for us to spend together, calmly and quietly. One of the biggest things I look forward to with our new son is nursing again.

So, basically, I am at a crossroads in my "future" life. Haha. I am just afraid of beginning this line of study and something derailing it somehow. Or my husband thinking I am just blowing his money on things I don't take seriously. I don't think he'd ever feel that way but you never know. *sigh*

What would you do? Go with the training & education you could enjoy if you put your mind to it or take the plunge and chase what you feel you are more in tune with?